Change.

Lately, I've found myself asking "yes" or "no" questions in my meditation practice. Do I want to commit to Laughing Lotus Yoga teacher training? Do I want to surrender and try to be a full time yoga teacher? Do I want to go to Ghana for a month this summer? Mexico in the fall? Open my own yoga studio? Open my own yoga studio now? NYU grad school? NYU grad school? NYU grad school?

In every class I've taken with Erich Schiffmann, he's addressed meditation as the process of "getting online" or "googling the Internet." Asking "big mind" questions, listening for the answers, then trusting yourself enough to follow the guidance you receive. He compares the beginning stages of a meditation practice to the first days of the Internet when we relied on dial up modems and AOL. "We would get online for a few minutes, begin surfing the web, then BOOM we'd be booted off...suddenly one day we got DSL." (If I haven't mentioned it recently, I love Erich Schiffmann :) )

I'm relatively confident I'm still in the modem stages of my meditation practice. I can stay online long enough to ask questions, listen for answers, and chant for 45 minutes. I can even loose myself for 15 hours at Ammachi's Ashram during the Devi Bhava. However, I'm obviously struggling with the trusting myself enough to follow the guidance portion of the equation.

Allow me to bring this back down to earth...I love yoga. I love dance. When I say love, I'm referring to a deep, longing love that sustains me everyday. A love stronger than any romantic relationship I've ever had. Dance is my food. Yoga is the rhythm of my pulse. My nourishment. My home. My family. My medicine. My adventures. My choice. My struggle. My freedom. My home.

So, why is it so challenging to incorporate my love into my life?

The majority of the population spends their life searching for love. Trying various careers. Online dating. Moving from one city to the next. Buying new shoes. New cars. New lives.

Here I am cheating. I know what I love and I'm so afraid to move into it. To live in the house that love built. To move into my Kali roaring power. To be me in the world.

Tonight as I was riding the BART train home from dance class in Oakland, I ran into an old acquaintance from Boston via Providence via NYC via San Francisco, Hannah. Hannah consistently resurfaces in my life. She's a consistent sign post reminding me of my path. Hannah studied West African dance at Brown with Seydou Coulibaly, one of my first teachers. I was always struck by her unique, expressive, bird-like style of interpreting the movements. She was never afraid on the dance floor. I reconnected with her a few years ago at a dance class in the Bay Area, where she lived before pursuing her Master's degree in Dance Choreography at UC Riverside and becoming one of us; a certified yoga teacher.

Hannah was glowing this evening. A glow so illuminating, it threw me off balance. She's thrilled with her MFA program, teaching yoga, and moving to NYC for the summer to work with a choreographer. I think I may have started crying as she was telling me this. Hannah took the risks I dream about. Obsess over. Long for. Turn down. Now she stands in front of me radiating a glow so powerful it could light up the entire Mission.

Maybe it's time for me to sign up for DSL...